December 2nd, 1990

On this day, this world lost a remarkable and amazing man. And it was on this day, that a little part of me died.

Every year, on December 2nd, I remember my grandfather, Carl Edward Hargroves, Sr. Well, to be fair, I think of him all of the time and I miss him so much, more than any words could ever explain and more than anyone could ever understand.

I think of him on every holiday, every time I eat blackberries, every time I see a little girl with her grandfather, every time I look at my father holding Eva. My heart breaks, wishing he were here with us now.

I was 10 years old when he died of lymphoma cancer. I will never forget the day he actually died. I was in the basement at our old house, playing with my dolls. My Dad had flown to Washington state to say his goodbyes and my mom came downstairs to tell me that Grandpa had passed away. I can't really describe how I felt...lost, sad, afraid, disappointed and I knew that I would spend the rest of my life missing him. Until that moment, I didn't know what death meant...but now I knew it meant never going to visit Grandpa in Washington, never picking blackberries with him again, never taking a nap with him and cuddling into him, never smelling his cigarette smoke anymore, never watching him use one knife to take the butter out of the dish and another to actually butter his bread--all because he hated crumbs in the butter dish, never wandering through the woods with him as he practiced his archery, never playing penny poker with he and his friends in his small town. Somehow, at 10 years old, I knew that things just were never going to be the same.

Fast forward 20 years and it catches my breath to think that it has been so long since he was here with us. I sit here writing about him, still crying as much as I did the day he died and still missing him as much.

My grandfather wasn't perfect. I know in his life, he made mistakes, but he was a good man and I love him for it. I only had 10 short years with him, not near enough. I don't know if I believe in heaven, but I know, without a doubt, that Grandpa is here with us, looking over us, protecting and taking care of my family and, because I can't physically have him here, I take comfort in knowing that he has never really left us.

Carl Edward Hargroves, Sr.

October 11, 1924 - December 2, 1990

If you get there before I do, don't give up on me.

I'll meet you when my chores are through;

I don't know how long I'll be.

But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.

And between now and then, till I see you again,

I'll be loving you. Love, me.

Between now and then, till I see you again,

I'll be loving you. Love, me.